When adversity comes, our roots need to get stronger. Just like a plant, when there is drought or bad weather the plants natural reaction is to strengthen their roots. Sure the branches might not look so great time to time, but underneath the soil, the place we can’t see, the roots are getting deeper and larger… If plants and trees do not do this the next drought or storm will likely take them down.
I could explain adversity but I figured maybe I am best to be open about the adversity I am facing, most of it likely because of how my mind works and perceives things. I’m surely not the only one who feels the way I feel. But even through challenges somehow, someway, even though I feel I have reached my limit and I want to throw the towel in, I’ve been unknowingly conditioning my roots.
I’m tired, I don’t feel important, and when I do feel important I feel guilty. I feel guilty because maybe I’m forcing my way into the spot light, maybe I should be quieter and just kind of do stuff in the back ground. Maybe offering things or forcing myself to talk to people just isn’t the right thing to do. Then I go back to hiding and I feel like a waste of space because I’m not doing much. I’m kind of stuck… I’m guilty for standing and listening to peoples conversations, I’m guilty for being outspoken and I’m guilty for being anti social at times. I can’t win. And it bothers me every day.
Do people talk about me behind my back? Of course, it’s human nature, it happens in the church, the workplace, on Facebook and in the public. I’ve been betrayed by people I respect and look up to and it hurts deeply. I’ve had people get me in trouble on purpose instead of gracefully correct me and be an accountability partner…Ive had people go around gossiping about how I’m a show off, or I’m dirty (yes I shop at Foodland covered in bug poop because that’s my job) or I’m off my rocker etc.
But here’s the kicker, the last year I have felt absolutely worthless inside my own church. I can understand why some people leave, humanly speaking, if someone keeps hurting you or judging you, that’s a human right. You have a right to huff on right out the door. But for a while I simply forgive, vent to my husband because that’s what wives do right? OK it’s what I do, my husband is my best friend. I Grumble, somewhere God reminds me that I’m not alone in this and nobody is perfect, and I go on with my week.
I could up and leave, and often I’ve wanted to. I’m going to be honest here… I have wanted to walk out of my home church for a whole year now. When I talk to people I get the impression all I’m doing is annoying them. When I ask for help… My husband and best friend are the ones who listen. When I invite people out to do stuff they are always too busy. When I stand around in the hall I may get a hello, sometimes I do get people talking to me for a few minutes but the majority of the time if I stand silent and watch everyone is deep in conversation and if I don’t actively hunt someone down to talk to I will stand there for what seems like eternity feeling invisible. When I do seek people out I legit feel they are annoyed with me. I have no time to express any of my feelings to anyone because… Well… Everyone is busy so the best thing for me to do is put on a smile and pretend I’m OK. I’m not… Because I don’t feel like part of the community anymore I feel like a number. Want to know who talks to me the most and always has time for me? My non church going friends! When I actively invite People to do stuff my atheist friends are always there so guess who hasn’t docked much spiritual time with other Christians? Me. I’m slipping in the cracks but if not for God’s grace holding me I’d be gone.
That’s my adversity. But maybe people are just busy. Maybe people just don’t notice. Probably there are people who feel invisible too. And it’s likely it’s all in my head… Because that’s just how I often think and perceive things. I’m still standing being obedient to where ever God is leading me watching as members come and go many who leave in a huff and puff because someone upset them.
But I’ll end this post with this. The thing about plants is the more you uproot them the easier it is every time. But the more you transplant a tree the more dwarfed the roots get each time. Eventually fruit stops being produced. This happens in life too. Marriage, relationships, churches, jobs etc. People hop from church to church everytime they are offended and guess what? It gets easier each and every time but eventually if the person doesn’t take a stand (that actually takes effort) and plant their roots they WILL fall when the storm comes and they will dry out when the drought comes.
Im facing a drought. My leaves are dry and falling, my branches are snapping, and even if a forest fire wipes me out somehow, someway, and I don’t even know how I’m doing itz I chose to just keep digging the roots deeper and deeper. So even if I’m wiped out on the surface I can grow back.
I feel this way, I’m being super venerable sharing this. I’m wandering a wilderness right now and I’m tired… Maybe just maybe I’m not alone in this adversity.