My name is Jess… And my story isn’t over.

There’s a new trend (or should I say movement)  that has blown up social media and that is the semi colon tattoo which survivors of mental illness (suicide attempts,  depression,  self harm,  etc)  are getting tattooed on them selves to indicate that they choose to continue. 

While I don’t have my semi colon tattoo yet I still have a story and I would like to share it and bring hope and show everyone what a future of holding on looks like. 

When I was 17 years old I attempted suicide but failed.  I self harmed (hit my head against objects and walls)  for years after because I couldn’t handle the pain of hopelessness and anxiety.  There were times I was so afraid of my future or a situation I just wanted to end it… I was done.  But I can’t stress the importance of support for mental illness because if I did not have many people encouraging me and watching g out for me I wouldn’t be here writing this and sharing my story.  Having suicidal thoughts is very scary not being in control during an attack of rage is even more scary.  But I survived and looking back at my life I am so glad that I did. 

I was proposed to a few months after a major breakdown.  I would go on to have many more but I survived them all.  My biggest support has been my husband I’m his world and he would be devastated if I ended it. 

If I ended it I wouldn’t have had given birth to my amazing beautiful spun y daughter.  She tells me every day how much she loves me.  I’m her hero. 

When I smile with my daughter there’s no sadness there.  At a post in my life I felt hopeless and my mind lied to me telling me I would always be in despair.  That was an obvious lie because these momenta were so joy filled and happy. 

I would have missed out on some amazing family time.  I Even pushed past my anxiety and attended some awesome concerts and got to go to Florida to visit family and go to Disney world… All which were anxiety free what a relief. 

I made some awesome memories on the family farm.  The farm may not be ours any longer but the memories last forever. 

Because I’m alive not only am I my dogs best friend but a child hood dream of owning a German shepherd came true.  This girl loves me and waits by the door all day for me to come home.  Sometimes the husband waits by the door all day too. 

I’ve had so many awesome experiences I can’t even name them all. 

I had a break down in 2013 where I cut my hair uncontrollably and had to call 911. This was the year I had to go on medication to help manage my anxiety.  Anxiety wasn’t the issue I could fight that and I fought years.  But every so often that anxiety created a psychosis state which caused fear… I had great days but each great day I feared the day that I wouldn’t have control.  I was terrified of medication and I’m almost ashamed to admit I need them.  But the last 2 years on the meds have been pure freedom.  I’ve NEVER experienced long periods of time without a breakdown and since those meds I’ve been break down free and today I can live on no longer afraid of what I’m capable of doing to myself.  I don’t have to fear psychosis because it’s just not rearing it’s ugly face. 

And you know what?  Even 4 days after I was hospitalized I was still joyful and inspiring.  I inspired others.  I took another step back but choose not to give up for the hundredth time.  I may have fallen so many times but each time I stood up… And I continued that sentence. 

I know the feeling of dread.  I know hopelessness I know fear I know what it feels like to just give up I know.  I wouldn’t wish those feelings on my worst enemy… It’s what hell feels like.  But I want everyone to know that even in your deepest painful moment even in those moments of despair even in those moments you feel there’s no future… I’m standing here to tell you that you have a future and I encourage you to make that future and continue your story.  Yes you are going to fall as you move forward but that’s okay because you are amazing and your going to continue every single sentence.  Your life matters. 

10 best pieces of advice I’ve been given for mental illness

I’ve had lots of great advice and coping. Methods over the years and I have tried many of them.  Ya gotta at least try right?  I am diagnosed with anxiety disorder,  seasonal bipolar disorder and ADHD.  Believe me crazy combination right There. 

But with good advice I have also been told some way out there coping methods.  Some from fellow sufferers and some from people who assume they are experts. 

1. “you need to avoid junk food especially chocolate”  – okay doesn’t sound that crazy right?  It does when the person is standing  there explaining ever since they cut back on chocolate cake they have felt better WHILE  THEY  ARE  EATING  CHOCOLATE  CAKE!  I may have listened but the cake on their plate distracted me. 

2. “have you tried (insert name of multilevel marketing shake or nutrition supplement  here)”  – yes I have and I’m not paying $30 for 3 milkshakes that taste like saw dust.  I do however drink protein shakes I do have to make use of the Costco membership we paid $50 for

3. “you are probably allergic to gluten”  – No and if I EVER  have to go gluten free take me out back and shoot me.  I feel for those who have genuine gluten allergies. 

4. “It’s the coffee.”  – Actually caffeine and anxiety disorder don’t mix BUT  coffee didn’t cause my chemical imbalance.  I didn’t even consume caffeine as a teen.  By the way I can have 1 energy drink or 4 coffees without crashing.

5. “Video games caused your mental illness.”  – I KNEW  it!  Must be those magical shrooms and all those head butts to random boxes floating in the air.  I had to use all the coins from those boxes to pay for my psychologist  fees.  I suspect a conspiracy.

6. “Dungeons and Dragons brings demons into your home.”  – no but that Harry Potter Character is another story.  If Dungeons and Dragons causes demon possession why hasn’t my husband and friends been affected?  Tin foil helmets? Forgot to wear mine. If the D&D spell book is in fact  real though I’ll just cast magic missile into the darkness it’s all good.  Do I believe  in demons?  Yes but that’s a different story and I’ve been messed up waaaaaay  before I even knew what Dungeons and Dragons  was. 

7. “If you go on medication you will end up psychotic and in a few years will probably be on the news for terrorism.”  – nope but every time I see you I’m purposely going to find a corner and rock back and forth repeating “the cake is a lie the cake is a lie the cake is a lie.” 

8. “cut all sugar out of your diet.” – Ha!  I did for like 3 hours once… It was horrible. 

9. “Don’t tell anyone you have anxiety keep it to yourself nobody wants to hear it and if they do hear it your life will be a living hell”  – stupidest advice ever.  If you suspect or know you have a mental disorder find someone you trust and TALK  about it.  Staying silent is the worst thing to do. 

10. “have you been tested for Lead poisoning?”  – no I don’t need to I know those curtains contained Lead… Yummy delicious Lead horizontal blinds mmmmmmm.  The lead paint on the playground was the best though. 

Eating healthier,  talking about it,  getting excessive and fresh air,  finding coping mechanisms etc do help… While they may not help 100‰ any improvement to how you feel is a good step.  Most of all its OK to laugh in fact the funniest people I know have a diagnosed mental illness.  Take life a day at a time and keep fighting 🙂  just remember you are not alone. 

Behind the smile:

I look at my calandar and I freeze. April. There is something about the month of April that just gets my moods all out of wack. I figured out that I’m Seasonal Bi-Polar, I get constant ups and downs certain seasons and the rest of the year I maintain a calm. The month of April is rough. Last April I suffered a 5 day anxiety attack, I maintained my smile through it all but some people noticed a change, I became withdrawn, I was fidgety and always seemed to be shivering. I could feel the constant tug of emotions. It wasn’t fun at all. Mood disorders never are fun unless your at the high points where joyful insanity kicks in but a crash is imminent and the crash is never good.

This is the month I dread. April. I’ve already given out 2 warnings to my husband, this time he’s taking them all seriously. So far I’ve been able to work things out. I’ve stopped drinking caffiene, I’ve given up on candy, I’m not touching a lot of chocolate, and I am taking those dreaded herbal remedies. But most of all I’m leaning on God and praying my tail off. God Got me through last November I know he can get me through April. Daily devotion is not only helping me mentally right now it’s benificial to me spiritually. My spirit is proud to say that I lean on an amazing and powerful God. I love God, I believe that Jesus Christ is my saviour, and I can honestly say that without God I would not be where I am. I don’t even think I’d be here at all. I have many many testimonies that are all too long to share, I have testimony of coming out of each storm. I’ve been in dark places that I thought I would be lost in forever. But here I am today to tell everyone that I’m happy, full of joy and prepared to fight a great battle that I face all the time.

I want to thank everyone for prayer and support through my dark times. You mean a lot to me. All my family, friends, even people who barely know me, you are all amazing. You put a real smile behind my smile. I don’t have to fake a smile then go home and mope on the bathroom floor for hours on end. I can laugh, I can gather the strength to rid myself of the darkness I face. This sad story of mine has so far produced happy endings.

This month, I’m not afraid of the storms that I know will come my way. And it’s all thanks to so many amazing prayers and a wonderful supportive God who goes beyond what I ask. I’m asking him to make sure I remember to take my herbal remedies for goodness sake 😛 There was a darkness behind the smile but where there is darkness HE will shine.

Matthew 6:34 “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow brings its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.”