My name is Jess… And my story isn’t over.

Posted: July 17, 2015 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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There’s a new trend (or should I say movement)  that has blown up social media and that is the semi colon tattoo which survivors of mental illness (suicide attempts,  depression,  self harm,  etc)  are getting tattooed on them selves to indicate that they choose to continue. 

While I don’t have my semi colon tattoo yet I still have a story and I would like to share it and bring hope and show everyone what a future of holding on looks like. 

When I was 17 years old I attempted suicide but failed.  I self harmed (hit my head against objects and walls)  for years after because I couldn’t handle the pain of hopelessness and anxiety.  There were times I was so afraid of my future or a situation I just wanted to end it… I was done.  But I can’t stress the importance of support for mental illness because if I did not have many people encouraging me and watching g out for me I wouldn’t be here writing this and sharing my story.  Having suicidal thoughts is very scary not being in control during an attack of rage is even more scary.  But I survived and looking back at my life I am so glad that I did. 

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I was proposed to a few months after a major breakdown.  I would go on to have many more but I survived them all.  My biggest support has been my husband I’m his world and he would be devastated if I ended it. 

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If I ended it I wouldn’t have had given birth to my amazing beautiful spun y daughter.  She tells me every day how much she loves me.  I’m her hero. 

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When I smile with my daughter there’s no sadness there.  At a post in my life I felt hopeless and my mind lied to me telling me I would always be in despair.  That was an obvious lie because these momenta were so joy filled and happy. 

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I would have missed out on some amazing family time.  I Even pushed past my anxiety and attended some awesome concerts and got to go to Florida to visit family and go to Disney world… All which were anxiety free what a relief. 

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I made some awesome memories on the family farm.  The farm may not be ours any longer but the memories last forever. 

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Because I’m alive not only am I my dogs best friend but a child hood dream of owning a German shepherd came true.  This girl loves me and waits by the door all day for me to come home.  Sometimes the husband waits by the door all day too. 

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I’ve had so many awesome experiences I can’t even name them all. 

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I had a break down in 2013 where I cut my hair uncontrollably and had to call 911. This was the year I had to go on medication to help manage my anxiety.  Anxiety wasn’t the issue I could fight that and I fought years.  But every so often that anxiety created a psychosis state which caused fear… I had great days but each great day I feared the day that I wouldn’t have control.  I was terrified of medication and I’m almost ashamed to admit I need them.  But the last 2 years on the meds have been pure freedom.  I’ve NEVER experienced long periods of time without a breakdown and since those meds I’ve been break down free and today I can live on no longer afraid of what I’m capable of doing to myself.  I don’t have to fear psychosis because it’s just not rearing it’s ugly face. 

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And you know what?  Even 4 days after I was hospitalized I was still joyful and inspiring.  I inspired others.  I took another step back but choose not to give up for the hundredth time.  I may have fallen so many times but each time I stood up… And I continued that sentence. 

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I know the feeling of dread.  I know hopelessness I know fear I know what it feels like to just give up I know.  I wouldn’t wish those feelings on my worst enemy… It’s what hell feels like.  But I want everyone to know that even in your deepest painful moment even in those moments of despair even in those moments you feel there’s no future… I’m standing here to tell you that you have a future and I encourage you to make that future and continue your story.  Yes you are going to fall as you move forward but that’s okay because you are amazing and your going to continue every single sentence.  Your life matters. 

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